We all hide out. We all run a type of phony. What’s my type of phony? I use to know, now I’m such a phony I can’t even call myself out – fck. I got some blend of sophisticated, above you, altogether phony bullshit that keeps me from risking in life keeps me from really connecting with people, having true friends again, making a contribution. That conversation, that bullshit is keeping me from doing what I desire to do with the rest of my life, it’s killing me.
I decided just recently that my main job, the first order of my life is to manage the conversation that I play in my head. Forgiven free reign, the addiction, the habit is to go dark, to crush any & all initiative, to keep to myself, to posture that I’m ok jack. And I know I’m not the only one. Like a slow-moving mudslide, it moves into my life and wraps around my limbs, my heart and crushes the life out of me, crushes my spirit.
And that is how this got written; climbing out of a dark deep cold cave, by changing my conversation. In theory, it is easy, I always thought it was, but in practice, it has taken me 6 months, the death of my father, and spending all the money I have.
Something has happened where life has become more real to me, everything was an idea before, grief, hurt, depression, life, death, really trying, getting stopped or stopping, really digging for what is important to say, or just doing my best even if I didn’t know if it has any value. It may be the step needed to uncover something of value. God bless the people in my life who support me.



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