In 2001 I saw myself. I saw my desire to become a better dad. I saw myself from outside of myself, an observation of my actions, not a critique from inside my head. Seeing this is distinct is critical or nothing else I say will make a difference.
I saw my desire to be a better dad than my dad was, oh my God I was going to show him what a shitty dad he was, and I was going to do the best job in the world. My boy was going to get it all done right, positive affirmations, lots of acceptance, lots of love, pride in him, him knowing how much I loved him and how great he was. It was almost going to be unfair the advantage my boy was going to have in life, but I didn’t care, I was not going to do what my dad did to me,
I was going to listen, to feed him positive thoughts, and have a safe loving environment for him to flourish in!
I now see I was planning to give my boy was what I craved from my dad.
I found it difficult to decide what to learn – what concepts about parenting & being a dad where worthy? Damn, there was so much to read, so many different ideas on raising children. I did not want to make a mistake and read the wrong shit, and really fuck this deal up.
What struck me one day was going to the bookstore a modest size story, stumbling through this foreign environment I found the parenting section, it was amazing. There was row after row of books, I parroozed and flipped pages, took my jacket off, then the light slowly came on. I was looking at books for women, from women, how to be a mother, some included parenting, but most were written by and for women. How about being a great dad? Where was this info, who was writing for me? Well, I found them, ¼ of a shelf for the males, and 12 full shelves for the women. Now to be fair, maybe the purchasing profiles required that the store serve their clients, and maybe I was the only dad to wander looking for spectacular advice in the last year?!
That moment of ‘oooohhhh’ has stuck with me for 20 years.
I did get a book from a good older male friend about parenting (P.E.T.) ‘best damn book I’ve ever read on parenting…’ he inscribed. Incredible! I didn’t take this as the true gift it was at all, there was a bit of ‘ohh so you think I got something to learn’ – such a get your back up, unconscious, masculine response. It wasn’t dog-eared, not a broken spine, pretty new all in all for some time. The observation came from my actually picking up a book and reading a chapter, which I‘ll admit was a rarity, something that stuck in my memories as unique.
I got a ton out of that chapter, it resonated with me, and it changed my relationship with my 5-year-old boy. Giving feedback, telling someone what I heard, ‘so you are really angry about that…’, or ‘you really want that don’t you…’ add to that not solving the problem, letting you child own their problems and let them struggle with solving it. Just this one tool helped me disengage emotionally, which was a huge relief for me, an internal freedom. Words don’t do justice. I was like a frigg’n rock star of daddy-ing.
One idea, one new way of trying something and pow! I had some real power to decide on which way something would turn out. A win like this would or should dictate that going back to get more would be a good idea, but that was the observation, it took me a month or three to go back to the book. I saw this after a few months, and I wondered why, why did I not devour this book?
One thing I did know & do know, is that I ain’t no original, ya I know we all are but… If I acted like this, if I was just conscious enough to observe myself, then maybe my observation could resonate with other men, other fathers and this self-reflection could serve men to grow as men, as fathers. To realize that ‘I am not alone, the fears I have but barely acknowledge are there for other men, other fathers, they are dog fuckers like I am around self-care, self-improvement, taking care of self…I’ll makes up the missed time/opportunities in the future some time BS’.
So, for 12 years I looked for a way to reach out to other men, taking programs for business, for structure, for a plan (waiting mostly) that would give me something, something I didn’t have yet, not knowing what that was, but knowing that I didn’t have it yet. The right stuff.
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